Why?

It's so easy to ask "Why?" , to question situations, get angry or hurt when you can't figure out the answers. I don't have the answers to the "Why?" but I do have peace that when those difficult times come that God is there and sees me, he hears my cries, and cares about my pain.
             
 Ps 33:18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.
                                           
  He sees me!

  Ps 34:15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry.

 He sees me, and he hears my cries!

  Ps 34:17-18 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all
  their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit
                                   
  He sees me, hears my cries and is Close to me!!!!!      Whoop!!!!

I think the hardest part of some trials is that it's easy to feel like you are going through it all alone. It is such an amazing feeling to know that God is right there with you every step of the way. I am human and still ask "Why? and even more ofter "What if?"

Why did we have to lose the baby? Why did Gavin have to have development problems?
Why did I have to go through the cancer, lupus, and scaladerma scare? What if this time it would of been my daughter? What if one day we would be playing dolls and fixing hair?   What if it would of been another rowdy little momma's boy? What if I would of done things different with Gavin and he wouldn't have went through all the things he went through?

Like I said I am human. These thoughts go through my mind and when I am attacked with any of these I attack them with the word. 
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord."    Is 55:8
                                                                                                                                      
I don't always understand his ways and sometimes they seem hard but in the end his ways are better than my ways. On days like today I hold on to that. It's a year today that the pregnancy ended. It's a hard day. Several people have called to check on me but I really didn't even know how to talk about it. My heart is breaking inside and right when I feel like I am about to fall apart, I can feel His eyes watching me. I can feel His hand reaching down to catch my tears. I can sense His ears listening to my inside turmoil and in that moment an overwhelming peace surrounds me. I know that He cares. I know that He had a purpose in all of it. Maybe it was so Today I would lay in my floor and share with someone out there that Today He sees, He hears, and He is Close to you. You are not alone in your heart ache. YOU are not Alone. God is right there with you.

Lessons from a Child

I learn new lessons everyday from my children. Syler has been blessed with such an amazing understanding of God and he loves to share what God shows him. On this blog I will share the things he teaches me about God.

Syler loves to wear a crown. He has several and pretends to be the king or prince every day. He doesn't let anyone touch his crowns or play with them. He enjoys making new crowns out of construction paper and decorating them. His crowns are very special to him. Yesterday he came up to me and said "Mom do you know where the 'real' crown is? It's in here (places his hand on his heart). God told me that He is the real crown, the best crown, and he is right here in our heart."

Wow that is some powerful stuff. Knowing how special Syler's crowns are to him that statement meant alot. God is suppossed to hold a higher place then anything else that may seem important to us. It made me check my life and see if there are any "crowns" that I am placing before Him , the true "crown".   We all get busy and preoccupied but today's challenge is to see where God rates on our importance scale. Love the lessons my son teaches me.

Purpose

Purpose. That is something I have honestly struggled with for the last year. It all started July 5 of last year. Since that day, purpose, has constantly been on my heart and mind. This blog will be alot about purpose. I hope it will inspire, encourage, and challenge each person that reads it. But as scattered as I am we won't always be on that subject, that is just the foundation. Some days it might be about "mommy moments", some days it might be about "God things", and some days it might be a "craft day" - finding a new purpose for old items. I just love crafting that way.

But I guess my first blog ever needs to be about what has sparked my burning desire to blog. Our family has went through some things this year that have been hard to talk about. (impossible actually) So when confused, grieving, hurt, and scared and not able to talk to anyone about it, I turned to God. and with his direction I was lead to a few women's blogs that have helped me in so many ways. Each day I would read and cry as they too were going through similar situations. Never once during the year have I commented on a single blog, cause like I said, I didn't know how to talk about it but just reading their thoughts and about their journey helped me in so many ways. I pray my journey will help others too. So here goes........

Last summer we found out we were expecting. Not really sure if we wanted a third child or not it was an emotional rollercoaster to begin with. We never thought of having another baby so the anxiety, fear, and unsureness was overwhelming. But deep down I knew that if God planned this then He knew we would be able to handle it. So, excitement, joy, and anticipation took over. The week after we found out, things started to change. For the next 8 weeks we went to Huntsville every few days for ultrasounds and blood work. I could of never imagined how hard emotionally and physically this journey was going to be, on me, my husband, and my two boys. On July 5th the final ultrasound confirmed that it was a molar pregnancy. Which meant the fetus was covered in tumors and did not make it. Words can not explain what that news felt like. Not only did we have to process the loss of what this pregnancy could of been but now a whole new journey was about to begin. The procdure was done on July 11th. (a day I will always have a heavy heart).  It was hard to fully grieve with the cloud of cancer looming over us. With a molar pregnancy the cancer cells can start growing back anytime during the next year. Which means monthly blood work, and reliving the entire thing every single month.  Praise God I have 7 DAYS left of the year. I have been cancer free the entire time. Need to take a minute and Praise God for that! I don't think I will ever stop thinking about our little angel. Some days I will picture what it would of looked like, sounded like when it giggled. Not sure if that is normal or not but I have found comfort in God. He has given me peace through it all.

Well that breifly sums up what caused the "Purpose" thought that has been on my heart. Going through this caused me to think about the purpose of the whole pregnancy, then the purpose of myself as a mom, and in ministry. Compared to other moms with 3, 4, and 5 kids, my purpose didn't seem as important. Then again I am only the mom of 2. (lie of the devil) It has been a hard emotional year, and I know tomorrow and July 11 will still be tough but I can say that I have with out a doubt found my Purpose. I can not explain how it feels to openly talk about our journey for the first time. No one may ever even read this but there has been such a weight lifted as I have typed every word. I look forward to sharing my heart, and my purpose with you as we take this journey together. And can't wait for you to  share about your purpose as well.